I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Someone signed my nipple.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
