you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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