new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
