I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
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The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
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Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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