If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Can you bring me the toilet please
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
