Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
