I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
