My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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