I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
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