So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
