Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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