ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
