All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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