Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I know her cup size but not her name....
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
