dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize