I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
