All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
