I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
