Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
