After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
