Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
