I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
