Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
