Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
