i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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