ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I can text with my tongue
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
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