Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
