today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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