this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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