Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Randomize
