i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
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