I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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