Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
