Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Randomize
