Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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