The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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