you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
