Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
