M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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