I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I would ride that face into the sunset
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Randomize
