I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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