So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
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