I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Randomize
