somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
