My sheets look like a crime scene.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
