11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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