My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
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