My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
