Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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