My cat gives me a boner
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Randomize
