I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
