after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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