You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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