I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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