they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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